Sitting here trying to wrap my mind around it being nine years on the fifth that my pulse to the world passed. Thoughts run through along with questions that I still have but never thought to ask not that opportunity has passed. I reflect on and say nine years ago on this day I only had five left with my mom and it is so surreal. I think about how sitting in a hospital or care facility for a few hours even though its someone you love as much as your own life, seems like more than just a few hours.
Yet here I am wishing I had those five days and more not caring how many hours or days I would sit by her bed. I know it may sound terrible but I have to say "if I had only know all I had left was less then a year," but we don't get that "heads up." This is the woman who fell into the Christmas tree, who could make the meanest fruit cake, a roast to die for and pasta that would make you speak another language and walk backwards.
So in five days I will honor and remember the woman who carried me under her ribs, next to her heart, for nine months our hearts beat together. You can never be this close to any human being again in your life and I never knew how true this was until she the woman who gave me life, took her last breath. Even with me having children that reality didn't exist yet, what did was knowing a mothers love for her child. It took her passing, for me to realize the love a child has for the mother.
While I was very close to my Nonna it was in a very different way and yet much the same. Oh let me continue to share; after mom fell into the Christmas tree when we set it back up secured it and fixed the decorations we added a new ornament. I stood back inspected the tree said it needs a couple more bulbs we had one left and there was a beer can on the coffee table that became her decoration for the remainder of her life. We packed it after each Christmas along with the other ornaments as if it was priceless, it wasn't but the memory attached was.
Fondly I will light up mom, ha ha it's a fact let me explain. Mom was cremated and I found out about this place called Memory Glass and had some of the ashes made into a paperweight that sits on an eternal lit pedestal. A friend brought a multicolored light pedestal and I sit her on that and it blinks like a Christmas tree. Her favorite holiday was Christmas and getting lit so now we on holidays light her up just in a different way. The rest of her ashes were sent back to Ohio for her to be buried with my Auntie when she passes the beautiful clock they were in I have next to her paperweight. I had them add two colors to the ashes one was her birthstone emerald green and the other was gold because she was more precious than gold to me I told them to swirl them so it was like the circle of life and at the outside bottom had a gray swirl put as she was born in the year of the snake.
I find myself laughing when I sit and look at the paperweight wondering in fifty or a hundred years and some stranger (maybe) winds up with my mama thinking what a beautiful paperweight; of course they would be right. Sometimes I fear I will forget what she looked like or how her voice sounded or what she said to me and taught me. As the years pass it seems she's not as vivid in the way I want her to be but I know that is a good thing also to protect my heart and soul from breaking while still being able to remember.
A mothers love is like no other it's different then a sister or brother, a mothers love is like no other...
Wish I knew where that damn fruit cake was!
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